Five Steps to Practice When Upset with/by Someone Dear
When we depend on a person it’s paramount they’re able to attune to us. To be able to relate to us. To listen, to observe, to understand, to process, to respond, to show-up, to care for; to love us well-enough there’s a baseline of consistency where trust and closeness are possible. When there isn’t enough of that attuned relatedness it hurts — and when we’re physically, psychologically, and/or emotionally dependent on a person it can lead to devastating injury and trauma. This is perhaps the most obvious in a child’s dependence on caregivers but remains true throughout our lives since we will depend on others “from the cradle to the grave.” While we don’t / can’t always depend on those we love when we love-well (ourselves and others) it nourishes and cultivates a healthy dynamic dependency.
One of my favorite Brené Brown quotes from her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” is:
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them — we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.
So what do we do when someone we love and want (maybe even need) in our lives isn’t able to attune to us, be related, and/or love us well? What do we do when someone we love and who does-and-can love us well inevitably rubs our emotional raw spots, core wounds, or simply hurts us or upsets us? What do we do when we’ve been mildly slighted to full-on heartbreakingly betrayed?
First, we’ve got to get out of our own shame and blame. As Brené Brown said, “[Shame and blame] damage the roots from which love grows.” We don’t do this for the other person; we do it so that we can love ourselves well. If we’re going to break the pattern the focus can’t be on getting the other person to love us better or even to be more accountable, (try as we might we can’t control or willpower these things from another person); it is far more effective and transformational to focus on self-love and self-accountability. As we do this we cease engaging in default and reactive strategies of offloading upset and hurt, namely: shame and blame.
It isn’t easy to get out of shame and blame though, and the next step is also a doozy: second, we’ve got to get into our hurt feelings with self-reflective curiosity and self-compassion. Shame and blame, as heavy and self-defeating as they are, provides an armor in navigating hurtful relationships and against our own hurt feelings. As children this is a brilliant developmental strategy: much better to feel we are the problem and/or at fault then face the truth the person(s) or systems we most depend on for our very survival are neglectful, abusive, or simply unreliable. As we begin to sense more of our own self and become disillusioned with those people and systems we’ve depended-on we likely needed to, and sometimes still need, to feel the forcing function that comes with placing fault through focused blame. Throughout our life we will at times narrow the focus onto “fault” (ourselves and/or others) rather than (and sometimes on the way to) a wider perspective that can include empathy and invite true accountability.
This doesn’t mean that we abandon our hurt. On the contrary when we put down the heavy shame and blame pieces of armor, and investigate with compassion and curiosity what feelings this armor is protecting, we can begin to attend to and even mend our hurts. The capacity to turn towards relational wounds and painful feelings is a healing act in-and-of-itself. The next step gives us valuable skills to further heal and cultivate health: third, we access the wisdom of our feelings to give us insights about our relational needs.
This is where having a deck of “Grok Cards” (see image at top of post) is super helpful. This product gives you a deck of “Feelings” and a deck of “Needs” providing a great tool for building your social-emotional vocabulary and a valuable support when seeking greater clarity. It’s a wonderful exercise, especially when things are going particularly well or horrible, to take-out each deck and sift through finding the feelings that resonate in ones current state and the correlating met (if things are well) needs and correlating (if things are horrible) unmet needs. For instance; say I’m flooded and not able to identify what I’m feeling but I know my heart is racing, I can’t catch my breath, and I want to scream. I might pull-out “helpless” and “afraid” from the feelings deck and “safety” as the unmet need from the needs deck.
When we have widened-our perspective, and gained understanding and self-compassion about our feelings and needs, then we’re supported to go to step four: sharing our experience with an other / others. Who we share our experience with will depend on how raw and reactive we still are, the level of trust in the context and relationship, and what our needs are from the interaction. For instance, if what we’re needing is an empathic listener who can offer loving non-judgmental attuned support we’d want to share with someone who has earned that level of trust. This might mean that we go to a trusted friend before we go to the person who has upset us, or if there’s a high level of trust and intimacy with the person who has upset us, we go to them with the intention (and faith built on our lived experience with this person) of mutual non-judgment and empathy. If we’re needing to say something because the act of saying it is empowering to us (regardless of how the other responds) then we might speak in a more public way (like in a support group) or directly with the person where there’s upset because we know how to keep ourselves safe. Whatever the case…once we’ve been brave by sharing ourselves we benefit from a fifth step: engaging with people and activities that offer us nourishing support.
All of these steps require a good amount of vulnerability and courage and taking time and care to support ourselves (and each other) in and through these processes and practices is paramount. This might look like therapy, coaching, a course, a group, a walk, a podcast, time with animals, journaling, a nourishing meal, a yoga class, an affirmation, a funny move; and will likely involve a combination. I will end this post offering one of my favorite Audre Lorde quotes that has acted as a vulnerability and courage support for me: […] And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. […] And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.”
